Safe Space: The Language of Love by Kimberly Gaubault
/Content Notice: The purpose of the #LoveWITHAccountability forum on The Feminist Wire and project is to prioritize child sexual abuse, healing, and justice in national dialogues and work on racial justice and gender-based violence. Several of the featured articles in this forum give an in-depth and, at times, graphic examination of rape, molestation, and other forms of sexual harm against diasporic Black children through the experiences and work of survivors and advocates. The articles also offer visions and strategies for how we can humanely move towards co-creating a world without violence. Please take care of yourself while reading.
By Kimberly Gaubault
There is a practice of erasure that happens in traditional Christian church communities. The systemic erasure of those who carry the weight of having such truths as sexual assault and domestic violence/gender violence forced upon them…those whose understanding of God, love, community and self is often structured around violations against body and spirit…this erasure makes the church a safe space for those who want to avoid the ugly reality that these behaviors and conscious decisions are made (often) by those we trust, in community and spaces we have designated as sacred. We are programmed to embrace spiritual rhetoric that shames and silences those who have been victims of sexual assault (regardless of gender identification). This same rhetoric is often used to fill the uncomfortable space that exists in communities where sexual assault (primarily during childhood) has occurred. The use of clichés such as:
God is good all the time and all the time God is good,
God won’t put more on you than you can bear,
All things work together for the good of them who love the Lord…,
Just pray about it,
and other biblically based phrases and sayings rather than engaging violations and violators head on often discourage victims from speaking out about their abuse/abuser. It is important that we provide space for these conversations to happen and truths to be shared proactively, with full understanding that there will be discomfort but, through honesty and full disclosure there can also be hope for healing. To espouse a system of avoidance and silence is to espouse the alienation, physically, and spiritually of those who have been relegated to the margins of the intricate tapestries woven together to form the beloved community. The margins are the spaces that give value to the common space that is shared in the middle ground. The margins have importance and relevance to the big picture. Childhood sexual assault is too common to be treated as anomaly. By addressing it, in community, we can open up a space for healing for those living with the shame of being violated as well as those living with the shame of having violated another. Love calls us to accountability in the ways we form community and responsibility in the ways we maintain it.
On First Times (*Trigger Warning: This is a rape story)
The first time I was raped
the act was not as painful
as the accusation
the implication that
somehow
I must be at fault
almost 29 years later
I remember what I was wearing
as if it were yesterday
I never wore it again
never washed it again
never trusted my mother again
and he was light-skinned
and this was the 80’s so
light-skinned was in
I was nervous
hadn’t seen him before
he thought I was cute
I didn’t believe it
I was dark-skinned
and skinny
and dark
and too Christian
and dark
and big forehead
and dark
and big lips
and dark
too dark to be the right shade
for light-skinned to holla at
I avoided eye contact
straightened my shirt
I remember what I was wearing
my favorite outfit
until that day
I never wore it again
I think I told you that already
I still don’t trust my mother
and she don’t like me
I don’t think she ever has
what was we talking about…oh yeah
he was light-skinned
and I just kept walking
because I’m not supposed to attract boys
this is what causes problems at home
why they calling here?
you don’t need no boyfriends
they calling because you just want to be fast
they only want one thing
don’t bring home no babies
Maybe
I just want to be liked
at home and at school
don’t feel comforted, at 17,
about being a ‘peculiar people’
don’t want to have sex or be sexualized
don’t want to always be so different
all the time
don’t care so much for being the ugly girl at school
all the time
the one who can’t go to no parties cause she in church
all the time
can’t go to no friend’s houses and can’t have them come to mine
all the time
can’t be in marching band because THOSE kids…
feeling left out
all the time
my friend and I
he and I liked to talk
we couldn’t do it in school much because I’m smart
and I don’t go to school to make friends
I go to school to learn
he had to get up the nerve just to call the house
because he knows the chill of ice
even when it’s over a phone line
and even though it’s all related
I digress again…
the first time I was raped
I remember what I was wearing
remember walking home from school
remember walking up the stairs to our apartment
remember being grabbed
I remember being groped
I remember being raped
I remember being raped
I remember trying to convince my mind
that this was not so bad
that if I stayed still long enough
maybe he would get bored and stop
that at least he thought I was cute
that he was light-skinned
and light-skinned was a compliment for dark-skinned
right?
I didn’t scream
didn’t call for help
I remember my body refusing to cooperate
refusing to allow easy penetration
I remember not fighting
not knowing how
and hating all 85 pounds of my lethargic flesh
I remember the silence of the house
how his voice reverberated off the walls of my ears
I remember what I was wearing
my favorite outfit
and believe it or not
it was not the act
but the after
that made it mourning clothes
the “you shouldn’t have been wearing THAT outfit”
that turned it into shroud
and this story was never told
because I was never asked what happened when that guy followed me home
not when I vomited up light-skinned’s touch for 2 days after
not when I was balled over in pain in the wake of light-skinned’s embrace
not when I was being treated for the gift that light-skinned left me
not when I missed a month of school because light-skinned’s visit
required hospitalization
medication
and recovery time
I was never asked why I never wore my favorite outfit again
I was never asked
so I didn’t tell
and 29 years later
I still remember
how we celebrated the healing
but never talked about the hurting
and how the hurting
never fully goes away
© 2016 Kimberly Gaubault (Redefining Freedom)
Kimberly Gaubault is a mother, grandmother, preacher, poet, singer, musician, Social Justice activist, advocate, lecturer and educator. As a survivor of Domestic Violence/Gender Violence and sexual assault, Kim seeks to empower those who have been affected by such horrible acts of violation. Kim served the Duke University Community as the Program Coordinator for the Women’s Center for 3 years and continues to work towards solutions in regards to matters of social justice. She uses her art, knowledge and experience as a vehicle of intervention and healing in the church, the academy and the community, nationally and internationally. Kim holds a dual BA in English and African and African American Studies with a certificate in Women’s Studies, from Duke University, and an M.Div from Union Theological Seminary, in the City of New York, with a concentration in Theology and the Arts, Interreligious Studies and Interfaith Dialogue. Kim’s philosophy of personal interaction is “If I’ve not positively influenced someone everywhere I go, I’ve not walked in my purpose.”